he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
