An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
