I could have mohawked her pubes.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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