now i know why i became what i already was.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
