Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He did a backflip because drugs
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