Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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