It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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