My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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