if i can run in heels then i can drive
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
