She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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