just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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