i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Less talking, more tequila
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
50% drunk capacity currently
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
