If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
