after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
vagina is talking i cant
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
