He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
