Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
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