Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
