New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
