My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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