how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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