Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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