I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
