Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
