We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
