i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
