Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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