i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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