I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
