dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
