hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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