how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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