Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
