Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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