my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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