my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
