i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
God, I missed his penis.
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