i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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