If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
