On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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