You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Randomize
