i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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