rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
