she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
