I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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