I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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