Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
