dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
