peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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