This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i love accidental penises.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
