Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize