sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
