i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
