you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
