i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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