I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
