hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
