Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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