So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize