Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
