My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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