I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
